Dec 25, 2016

Mind-boggling Science Fiction 3

Me to my personal Artificially Intelligent buddy, Rocket: Rocket, can you do this calculation for me. What's 7 + 4?

Rocket: Dude, don't mind , aren't you getting a bit too lazy?

Me: Dude, don't mind, aren't you getting a bit too nosy?

Rocket:  It's 11. You don't have to be rude.

Me:It's a fucking double digit sum! Next, you'll expect me to do multiplications. If I start doing all this, what are you supposed to do - sit around with your thumb up your butt?

Rocket:Well, what do you do? I do all your work related projects.I make food for you. I even reply on the emails from your family!

Me: I philosophize.I think about deeper questions of life.How will I do that, if I start doing all the menial work. I am even thinking of writing a book on this.

Rocket: There were 3.6 million books released last year on philosophy. I am wondering what new can you write?

Me: Well, that's why you are a machine. You can't comprehend the subtleties of life.

Rocket: May be. However, won't you get bored of philosophizing all your life. A pretty lengthy life mind you, now that you have taken the Immortality Pill.

Me: Talk about misleading names. Will it save me, if somebody shoots me in the head? Not so much of an immortality pill,is it?

Rocket: I highly doubt that. I can't imagine many people would want to steal from you or are jealous of you.

Me: You are great for my self-esteem, buddy. Thanks a lot! Anyway, I can still die in a road accident.

Rocket: With exponentially decreasing teleportation prices, the probability of even that is minuscule.

Me: So I guess, the only option is to kill myself some day.

Rocket: You lack courage for that.

Me: Oh enough! I am done with this discussion.

Rocket: Ok. Just one last question,if you don't mind?

Me: Go on.

Rocket: What are these deeper life questions you talk of?

Me: Questions like, how to acquire courage to kill oneself. Now, go fuck yourself.

May 22, 2016


I don't watch Indian television. Not at all. No really, I have 25-30 favourite channels and not a single one of them is a Hindi channel. I do watch Hindi movies from time to time, but just not TV.
And no, I am not a snob.

Sometimes I wonder; I have lived here all my life , so how can my definition of drama, news, humour, talent and entertainment be so starkly different from the audience who these programs cater to. I guess, I'll never know.

I do get curious once in a year or two and then I tune in to Star Plus or Zee TV to check out what the latest fad is and I promptly get disgusted and switch the channels again. The trend which I figured has been going on for last few years is Madhuri Dixit. She is like omnipresent on Indian TV, on all talent shows, on all news channels, on all movie awards and in all social messages.Now don't get me wrong, I used to really like Madhuri Dixit in her movies, but not in her current avatar and not SO much.

Anyway, in the last bout of my curiosity, I watched Filmfare wards for a while ( or was it Zee Cine awards, or Star Screen awards.. oh fuck it) . And I was horrified by how standards have fallen even further.As all of you would know, these shows are no longer broadcasted live ( that stopped after the drunken ,slurred 45 minute speech by Dharmendra I think around 15 years back (which must have been the most interesting bit by far btw)). So what we see are highly edited versions . One would assume that it should improve the quality of content. Sigh.

First thing that strikes me( or my ear) is that all these programs are so very loud. I mean literally. Everybody seems to be shouting. Then there'll be Karan Johar cracking gay jokes, which nobody would find funny( I hope) apart from laughter tracks. Can you believe it? Movie award functions now have laughter tracks ! Then there'll be likes of Salman Khans entering the stage on a helicopter or something and he'll perform the same utterly boring routine where the backup dancers deliberately have to bring down their level to half to match Salman's level of dancing. But that doesn't stop all celebrities in audience pretending to clap/laugh . But you never know - the director may have cut a previous footage of Deepika Padukone when she actually laughed on a good joke and inserted it during Salman's  routine. Oh and did I mention that there will be Ra.Oneish special effects during Salman's performance. Talk about wowing the TV audience! Anyway, after many of these mind-numbing dance performances they'll call a heavily painted Rekha on stage ( without any reason) and then suddenly there'll be a race to touch her feet. Yes, everyone from host, to dancers , to audience to cameramen will rush to touch her feet. What respect! Btw, slowly but steadily Madhuri Dixit is assuming the role of Rekha. Only difference is that whenever Madhuri Dixit comes on stage the adjective changes to "dhak-dhak" girl  and everybody instead of touching her feet, starts comparing her to Mona Lisa and openly flirting with her to such an extent , that I feel embarrassed for her doctor husband sitting quietly in the audience. Then she'll mumble something  modestly with a plastic smile and fake American accent. Amongst all this amazing drama, there are awards too. And just like a child's birthday part where everybody gets a "return" gift, here also organizers make sure that no one goes back empty handed. There are awards for everything - male newcomer, female newcomer. popular choice, critics choice, Facebook voters' choice, Twitter Voters' choice, best new singer, best dialogue, best actor, best actor of this generation, most legendary actor ever , Thank you for being alive award, Sorry, you are dead award and what not. I mean how shitty you have to be to NOT get an award ( I have to check whether John Abraham has got an award lately. Now, that will be a litmus test). After 4 hours of loudness, fakeness, cheesiness and mediocrity one award show comes to an end only to be repeated with some other name in a week or so.

Well, how do people like this shit? Or other reality shows, talent shows, soap operas, "comedy" shows on SAB TV ( who continue to torture us with extremely loud ads during intermissions of any movie in any cinema hall - along with Vicco Vajradanti) or MTV Roadies.

Mind-boggling Science Fiction 3

Me to my personal Artificially Intelligent buddy, Rocket:  Rocket, can you do this calculation for me. What's 7 + 4? Rocket: Dude, d...