Sep 25, 2009

News!

They found water on moon! What the fuck did Neil Armstrong and party do on Moon? Jump around, take photos, come back and become legends? I mean what the fuck. All this time we were wasting our time searching for water on that planet. Oh what an anti-climax.All this while, aliens on the moon may be watching you cheating in the exams or bathing in the shower using household binoculars.

Rani Mukherjee says that she'll quit acting if "Dil Bole Hadippa" doesn't do well. And my faith in God is renewed.

Talking about Gods, Messi is now the best paid player in the history of football. And from the first few games of the season it seems he has ..hold your breath..improved his game further.
Also, Xavi lost the ball in the last match, first time since 2006.

Champions trophy is the most awaited cricket event of the year - i mean that's what ESPN- Star Sports tells us every other minute. Oh wait, breaking news coming from Australia, oh and England , and from South Africa and Pakistan, India too. Ponting is saying it, Pietersen is saying it, even Gavaskar is saying it( this must be really big!) : "One day cricket is a kind of game where the team which plays better on the day wins!!" . Ah, what novelty - especially considering that in Basketball the team that played better yesterday wins, in football the team that played better two weeks back wins and in hockey the team that plays worse on the day wins.

Finally, Fidel Castro praises an American President ! According to him Obama had the courage to admit that developed nations have fucked up the environment beyond recognition. Castro must have been a really attentive student in his childhood days, if he could catch that from Obama's emotionally enlightening speech - "We can.. blah blah ....yawn.. change is inevitable...blah blah... the time has come... blah.. we can.. blah.. change... yawn ... stop people like me from uttering so much of nonsensical globe to contain global warming.. blah..".

Our home minister says that Common Wealth Games is an opportunity for Delhiites to change their "behavioral pattern". True. They'll learn to cope with rejection. Not that CWG committee is very sexy anyway.

Air chief Marshal says that Chinese have a better air-force than India! That's really encouraging. No seriously.At least we have an air-force! I thought all our planes had crashed in trial runs only.

From 2nd October onwards bastards will be spelt as basterds as a mark of respect. That's when "Inglourious Basterds" releases in India.

Swine Flu is suddenly feeling ignored. Come on people have some heart - force a sneeze here and there, report to a news channel that the truck hitting the pedestrian was not the real cause of his death- swine flu was, do a bonfire of Tamiflus, eat some half-cooked pork, do something!

Sep 20, 2009

An Experiment in Masochism

Nine Inch Nails' album - "The Downward Spiral" is one of the best pieces of music I have ever heard. It's angry, it's violent, it's depressing and it's not for weak at heart. This 1994 album is an industrial rock classic- no I am not throwing jargon at you - it actually sounds like it was recorded in a steel factory. The Downward Spiral opens with "Mr. Self Destruct".
Here's what you have to do :

Step 1: Go to a calm, tranquil place
Step 2: Put on your earphones
Step 3: Turn up the volume to "Are you fucking nuts !" level
Step 4: Play "Mr. Self Destruct"
Step 5: Sit back and relax(while you have time)

There's this thing about "Mr. Self Destruct" - it's loud, it's hard, it's abrasive , it's downright nasty. But it's hypnotic and it is in some way pleasurable. I'll try to explain - ever tried scratching your nails on the wall, what if doing that could make you get rid of lifelong torture of trimming your nails again and again.Ever heard the chalk make that whistling sound on the black-board, what if someone was drawing a billion dollar treasure-map for you. Well, that's Mr. Self Destruct for you.
You'll be left shaken for sometime after you have heard the song. But after say 5 minutes when the after-effects have worn out, you'll play the song -again.
Quite an apt name for the song I must say. It is written for some kind of addiction, most probably heroin. But it could very well be about the song's addiction itself.

I am the need you have for more
(and I control you)
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down I use you up
Mr. Self-destruct


PS: There are hundreds of live performances of Mr. Self Destruct on Youtube. This one is just the AUDIO. But it's not of great quality.You ought to download - to understand the full implications of the experiment.

Sep 12, 2009

Carolina Drama

The Raconteurs - Consolers of the Lonely - Carolina Drama

I'm not sure if there's a point to this story
But I'm going to tell it again
So many other people try to tell the tale
Not one of them knows the end

It was a junk-house in South Carolina
Held a boy the age of ten
Along with his older brother Billy
And a mother and her boyfriend
Who was a triple loser with some blue tattoos
That were given to him when he was young
And a drunk temper that was easy to lose
And thank god he didn't own a gun

Well, Billy woke up in the back of his truck
Took a minute to open his eyes
He took a peep into the back of the house
And found himself a big surprise
He didn't see his brother but there was his mother
With her red-headed head in her hands
While the boyfriend had his gloves wrapped around an old priest
Trying to choke the man

Ah Ah Ahhh...

Billy looked up from the window to the truck
Threw up, and had to struggle to stand
He saw that red-necked bastard with a hammer
Turn the priest into a shell of a man
The priest was putting up the fight of his life
But he was old and he was bound to lose
The boyfriend hit as hard as he could
And knocked the priest right down to his shoes

Well, now Billy knew but never actually met
The preacher lying there in the room
He heard himself say, "That must be my daddy"
Then he knew what he was gonna do
Billy got up enough courage, took it up
And grabbed the first blunt thing he could find
It was a cold, glass bottle of milk
That got delivered every morning at nine

Ah Ah Ahhh...

Billy broke in and saw the blood on the floor, and
He turned around and put the lock on the door
He looked dead into the boyfriend's eye
His mother was a ghost, too upset to cry, then
He took a step toward the man on the ground
From his mouth trickled out a little audible sound
He heard the boyfriend shout, "Get out!"
And Billy said, "Not till I know what this is all about"
"Well, this preacher here was attacking your mama"
But Billy knew just who was starting the drama
So Billy took dead aim at his face
And smashed the bottle on the man who left his dad in disgrace, and
The white milk dripped down with the blood, and the
Boyfriend fell down dead for good
Right next to the preacher who was gasping for air
And Billy shouted, "Daddy, why'd you have to come back here?"
His mama reached behind the sugar and honey, and
Pulled out an envelope filled with money
"Your daddy gave us this," she collapsed in tears
"He's been paying all the bills for years"
"Mama, let's put this body underneath the trees
and put Daddy in the truck and head to Tennessee"
Just then, his little brother came in
Holding the milk man's hat and a bottle of gin singing,

La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la, la la la...
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la, la la la...
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah

Well now you heard another side to the story
But you wanna know how it ends?
If you must know, the truth about the tale
Go and ask the milkman



Sep 8, 2009

I refuse to be a victim OR Revenge of the harassed

Autos in Bangalore will stalk you.As you amble on the side of the road( feeling lucky to be getting some exercise), they will keep up with you. They'll block your view, they'll confine you, they'll give you claustrophobia and then when you finally give up and ask ," Forum chaloge kya?", auto-driver won't say a word and will turn away and accelerate at such a rate that would put Ferraris to shame. Apparently , a distance of less than 2 kms is beneath their dignity.
Sometimes, you may be lucky and an auto-wallah may stoop below his level and even consider traveling 0.75 kms. He'll say in a way which will leave you utterly obliged - "Chalo bees rupaiye de dena. " ( btw the minimum charge of the autos in Bangalore is Rs 12 for a distance of 2 kms). You'll try your luck - " 20 rupaiye kyun?" . He'll say in a matter of factly manner - " wahaan se khaali aana padta hai." Then you being a logic fan and all will say -" khaali bhi aaya to bhi total distance 1.5 kms hota hai. Minimum charge to 2 km ka hota hai na." Auto- wallah sensing his limited logical abilities and seeing that he's losing the argument takes a seemingly sentimental stand - " Kya saahab. Badi badi software companiyon mai kaam karte ho. Garib se kya choti si baat ko leke lad rahe ho!" In other words : " Either you give 20 bucks or you can take your ass somewhere else."
No wonder, for the excellent service they provide, auto-drivers in Bangalore consider themselves tip-worthy. Consider this: you have just availed a Rs 43 worth of service. You dutifully pay him 50 bucks and while you are expecting some change back, the esteemed service provider is ready to take-off. And when you ask for the change, this is what he says- " Saat rupaiye mai building banaoge kya bhai?" What a hardhitting question I must say! Hats off to you sir. You really deserve a tip.

In Delhi, you need to know your distances.As they say, it's the capital.You get down at New Delhi railway station and have to go to India Gate. So you ask for a ride. Capital is quite well-known for it's tourist friendliness and the auto-wallah is over-zealous to live up to that reputation. So he decides to make an announcement - " Bhaisaahab ko India Gate ghoomne jaana hai!!" And he goes on to describe how India Gate is almost at the other corner of Delhi and you are lucky to be going to India Gate because on your way you will receive a complete Delhi tour. So Rs 150 he is asking for is really like peanuts. But you know better. You ask 2 other auto-drivers for their best rates, and they say in exemplary unison -" Rs 150 only". But your well-wishers have pre-warned you - in Delhi bargaining at autos work much in the same way as it works in the Palika Bazaar. So you take a stand - Rs 75 and no more. After some negotiation final figure arrived is Rs 100. You revel in your accomplishment. Oh, btw in Delhi auto meters are used only to put up a show in front of the super-strict Delhi Traffic Police. Anyway, in about 10-15 minutes, after about 4-5 kms, at about 35-40 bucks on the meter you reach your destination. And when you express your shock , this is what you hear - "Stick to your word. Be a man."
Even the "Easy Cab" service which is supposed to be Delhi's answer to all these hassles refuse to be left behind. And only amazing alertness can get you from getting fleeced when the Taxi-Driver puts up the night charge(1.5 times) meter in broad daylight hoping you'll be too busy on phone or too rich or mostly too naive to notice .

The above are real experiences I have had in Bangalore and Delhi. But wasn't Mumbai supposed to be the mecca of discipline,professionalism and honesty.It took me some time to realize that all three start and end the moment taxi driver puts down his meter which he will do even before you can blink your eyelid. Oh, this is too common to even deserve a mention - this is when I gave a 500 rupee note to the taxi guy for the payment of Rs 30 toll and he gave me back 70 bucks. And when I asked him about the other 400 bucks, he said with a childlike-innocence - what 500 bucks? I just had to threaten him a little before he confessed, not to his failed crime but his poor vision/memory. Then there was this time when the taxi meter reading from airport to my house defied all normal logic. And in my utter disgust I just skipped the haggling part and warned the taxi guy that I had been living in the area for last two years and I knew the people around pretty well. It would just take a call before he would be badly beaten up by a mob. He could even get lynched if he was unlucky. Yes, I really said that. This was enough to scare the guy into taking the right fare. Or this time only few days back when meter reading seemed ok, but the card he was using used a multiplier of 20 instead of 14 ( hence a meter fare of 400 instead of 275). And this time- it was the payback time. So I made it very clear to the taxi driver - " Today is your unlucky day. The correct meter fare is 275, but I'll pay you only 200 and you can do nothing about it. Either you accept that or you can come to the police station with me."
And I thoroughly and unashamedly enjoyed that part. And I will look forward to every opportunity to do so again and again and again and AGAIN.

Mind-boggling Science Fiction 3

Me to my personal Artificially Intelligent buddy, Rocket:  Rocket, can you do this calculation for me. What's 7 + 4? Rocket: Dude, d...