Mar 6, 2008

Van Der Merwe

Today I got this brilliant forward again in my Yahoo mail and while I was getting irritated with the world this made my day. I had read this few years back. And in all these years and among infinite number of forwarded jokes,poems,stories,pictures,songs I have received, this one remains- and by far - the best forward I have ever received.
And I don't mean to infringe any copyright laws but people please bow down to the genius of
The Private Eye - Van der Merwe

But first a Warning.

Restricted : High level bone-chilling Thrill, blood-curdling Violence and hair-raising Sexual innuendos( I have copied this from the amazing warning on this Pulp Fiction DVD I have : Restricted: High level coarse language,medium level violence and drug use.)

Anyway, hold your breath,here it is:

The Private Eye - Van der Merwe

(With that low monotonous Detective voice)

I was sitting in my office when a case came in.
So I finished two bottles from it.

I was tough, so tough I wore my clothes out from the

Suddenly a tall blonde walked past my window.
I knew she was tall because I was on the second floor.

The phone rang and I knew something was wrong.
I didn't have a phone.

It was a girl and she was in trouble. I knew she was,
'cause she said so.

I raced down the stairs and called a cab. The cab
stopped with a jerk.
Then the jerk got out and I got in.

We took the corner at hundred kilometres per hour, but
a cop stopped us and told us to put the corner back.

We kept on the pavement, because there was a sign that
said:"Keep Death Off Our Roads".

Then we were out of the city. I knew it, because we
were not hitting so many pedestrians.

As we came to her house, she greeted me with a burning
Then she Took the cigarette out and kissed me again.

She pointed two thirty-eights at me. She also had a

She had the most beautiful blonde hair I have ever
seen - hanging from her left nostril.

She had teeth like the ten commandments - all broken.

She also had the most beautiful eyes - so beautiful
that the one eye could not stop looking at the other

There was a man on the floor. He had stab wounds in
his heart, bullet wounds in his head and his wrists
were slashed.
He was dead.

I said: "Lady, if this man was alive, he sure would be

So I took her for a drive to calm her nerves.

Suddenly a brick came flying through the window and
hit her on the left breast - breaking three of my

We had a flat tyre, so I pumped and she pumped and I
pumped. Then we got out and fixed the flat tyre.

Then I took her home and as I was kissing her
goodnight, her father opened the door and stepped on
my back, almost breaking it.

As I was giving her a final good-night kiss, she
closed her legs and broke my nose.

Now I am more careful on my assignments

So which is your favorite line of the story,eh?
I obviously don't read the forwards these days as religiously as i used to and anyway nowadays I find most of them irritating. But then I find lot of stuff irritating these days. And then I wonder Is it me or the world actually has become more irritating?

Take for example this Airtel ad which bombards my TV screen at a frequency of twice every minute,in which two boys play football and this person talks about talking and barriers breaking . Dudes , an advice: Sell your goddamn SIM cards and stop worrying about world peace.It was nice when you started this noble series of ads some years ago but enough is enough. Moreover,this ad is not even shot properly; I can bet millions that the ball which the boy kicked wouldn't cross the fence. So there's the irony : YOU can't even shoot the bloody ad properly and YOU talk of world peace?Take a cue from Hutch.When they thought that the goddamn dog and the goddamn kid had started getting on to the nerves of people they sold themselves to Vodafone and good that the Vodafone asked the goddamn dog and the goddamn kid to fuck off.

Or the way all commentators,news readers, and common people refer to Indian cricket team as Team India! What's more scary is that this "Team" trend is catching up!!Yesterday only, I saw a home delivery guy of this Chinese Restaurant chain - Yo China -wearing a T-shirt which proudly displayed " Team Yo China!".
What now,they'll display a board of "Team Dead" outside the graveyard? Get a life people.

Nowadays they can't even use "la" properly in the songs.
Remember Don't You Forget About Me ( Simple Minds) - Oh my favorite 80s pop song!
It was la, that made the song legendary: " laaaaaa laalalalaa laalalalaa laalaalalaaaa lalaaaaa"
or even Marilyn Manson's Rock is dead ( what a n enlightening use of la it was!!)
Where has the beauty of "la" gone?


Vimal said...

As always, thoroughly entertaining post :)
And BTW, Team India rocks :)

Shreyan said...

Van der Merwe .. the name sounds familiar .. graeme smith's ex or some dutch cricketer ..

abhi said...

Hey the airtel ad is nice though ya the ball cant cross.

But its the beauty with which the brand is being subtly pushed forward that just makes me a fan.

C'mon you have to say its btr then most other ads, think kick me aapki, the stupid no good dog, kuch meetha ho jaaye.. uggghhh

abhi said...

or for that matter..
koi hai jo aapke liye barso se paise bacha raha hai, or the one with the daughter who gifts the pop money to buy their next big car,i'd like to see that ad show a bit more of how she earned the goddamn cash.

manan said...

hehe.. I have to agree its better than many other ads but i still find it irritating. And yes there are ads which I do like,like all Nokia N-series ads.. oh what class and what music!

and Shreyan all dutch ppl have names starting from Van der. So u add all cricketers, footballers, basketballers and super models.

manan said...

and abhishek I just visited ur blog and saw a POST on the Airtel ad with ur special praise: "Rarely have i seen a better advertisement."
Talk about difference of opinion!!!!

Anonymous said...

wondering why no one commented on Detective Van der Merwe...
"Lady, if this man was alive, he sure would be ill".
lol.brilliant stuff

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