Sep 24, 2006

On how much I admire Golf

I loathe people who love watching golf.
Now come on when it comes to watching sports I am no less than a freak.You can find me watching Bundesliga matches all alone in the TV room, there have been days when I have watched each and every ball bowled in an utterly boring test match,I can watch tennis for hours without blinking an eyelid , I can watch F1 , I can watch Basketball,I can watch rugby, sometimes I can even watch Beach Volleyball( purely for my interest in sports...ok ok I know you can't think straight.)

But Golf.. Golf is different.Some influential people who were good at nothing started hitting balls arbitrarily...and the trend has continued ;even now some influential people who are good at nothing or who have become "good at nothing"( due to age,impotency ,insanity ,disease) continue to endorse Golf.And the increasing popularity of Golf just proves my theory that Global Warming has serious effects on brains of people with less brains( I am thinking of writing a paper on this .If anybody wants to co-author please send me your CV by email).
Imagine a situation :Tomorrow I am rich and popular ( or for that matter you are rich and popular..happy?) and have enough number of amazingly dumb followers. One day I am bored and start smoking a cigarette from my nose and one of those amazingly dumb follower watches me doing that.. he thinks its Cool!! I seize the opportunity, make a sport out of it and my name is written in the history books as the originator of the Great Game.

And to conceal the awesome idiocy of Golf they have introduced infinite jargons ( par,tee, handicap, punch,bunker.. what nonsense). Think of the jargon-less Golf when they tell people that in Golf you just have to hit the damn ball in the hole...people would be laughing their asses off!
One important thing that has kept Golf going is the snob appeal.If you are rich you have to play Golf.Some poor guy might like cleaning the toilets more than playing Golf but due to peer pressure he HAS to play.After all he is rich and lives in the company of some "elite" people.Its like if he says he doesn't want to play golf :" Why what happened? Is your company running in losses?".
I can still understand that some people might derive some sort of pleasure by playing Golf but I completely fail to comprehend what pleasure do people get in watching those people.
And who said slavery does not exist anymore.Isn't Caddie just a fancy name of a slave... " Hey Caddie I order you to carry my equipment!! Hey Caddie I order you to wipe the shit from my ass!!"
Tomorrow if Elin Nordegren gives me an offer where she is ready to ditch her husband(Tiger Woods) for me if I start playing Golf I would say ...YES!!!!!!!!( what did you think?? eh....)

Sep 19, 2006

Eulogy


Since I have watched almost every movie ever released whose name/poster /storyline/actors / director even remotely appealed to me and I am still not bored enough of movies I had no other option but to go for reruns.And I watched Trainspotting again( yet again).

If you ever wondered which is the best opening monologue(in fact the best opening scene) ever in a movie its this :

Click to view the 2nd most amazing monologue ever

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday night. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin' else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?

And if you ever wondered which is the best closing sequence( yeah its better than American Beauty) in a movie its this:

Click to view the most amazing monologue ever

Now I've justified this to myself in all sorts of ways. It wasn't a big deal, just a minor betrayal. Or we'd outgrown each other, you know, that sort of thing. But let's face it, I ripped them off - my so called mates. But Begbie, I couldn't give a shit about him. And Sick Boy, well he'd done the same to me, if he'd only thought of it first. And Spud, well okay, I felt sorry for Spud - he never hurt anybody. So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers - all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person. But, that's gonna change - I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.

You can watch these two scenes over and over for one and a half hours and still you'll get one heck of a movie but Trainspotting is much more than that.
I had first watched Trainspotting some years back and never really cared to find out the correct interpretation of the title until recently. Although Irvine Welsh never gave any explanation for the selection of the title ,Google did give me a satisfactory answer :

The next paragraph is purely for academic purposes( and it is an unadluterated copy-paste job from different sources):

In England in the 1980s, the term "trainspotter" started being used to describe those who track the schedules and car numbers of passing trains. This practice wasn't very widespread, so as time passed and the public became aware of the practice, the term became used as a mildly derogative term for anyone obsessed over minute details, to the point of obsessive-compulsion, of anything.And as Ewan Mcgregor puts it very aptly -The first thing is that heroin users mainline along their arms and inject up and down on the main vein. 'Station to station,' they call it. And for addicts, everything narrows down to that one goal of getting drugs. Maybe 'trainspotters' are like that, obsessively taking down the numbers of trains.Furthermore, after enough intravenous injections of anything, the vein that's getting the injections begins to collapse and turn a dark purple color. Heavy heroin users experience this even if they rotate injection spots; eventually the veins begin to darken and become quite noticable. British and American slang both call these darkened veins "train tracks." Given the "trainspotting" definition of watching and tracking trains, if the two ideas are combined, a "trainspotter" may mean someone whose hobby is keeping track of train tracks from heroin use.According to yet another interpretation,the movie compares the meaninglessness of heroin addiction with the pointlessness of trainspotting.

Coming back to the point(and originality) I don't think Irvine Welsh or Danny Boyle had a great social cause in mind when they were doing Trainspotting.But the movie did give an important message and that too wonderfully. You don't have to be preachy to do that, you don't have to be all-out depressing to do that, you don't have to be over the top to do that and you can serve hope in the end and still do that. You don't have to be Requiem for a Dream to scare people away from drugs.You can be humourous and still portray the sadness, isolation and desperation.
You can be Scottish, you can be addicted, you can be disgusted and you can be extremely funny all at one time:

It's SHITE being Scottish! We're the lowest of the low. The scum of the fucking Earth! The most wretched miserable servile pathetic trash that was ever shat on civilization. Some people hate the English. I don't. They're just wankers. We, on the other hand, are colonized by wankers. Can't even find a decent culture to get colonized by. We're ruled by effete assholes. It's a shite state of affairs to be in, Tommy, and all the fresh air in the world won't make any fucking difference!

And it was one of the best acted movies ever , oh no I won't bring in the topic of Oscars and its futility.You feel the desperation when Renton tries to reach for his pill in shit(literally) and its a mind bending experience for you too when Renton is hallucinating.
Who the fuck will try to touch something even remotely heroin after watching Trainspotting( If only people had better taste in movies and Trainspotting was as big a hit as a Titanic or Star wars there wouldn't be any drug problem existing in this world) .
No Shawshank Redemption or Godfather can change lives but any single scene in Trainspotting can( shit i am sounding as if I was personally affected).

Trainspotting is one of the greatest movies ever made and the good thing is that it didn't even try to be one.

Sep 16, 2006

UTOPIA

I was passing by and I managed to overhear these conversations:

" you know he didnt move a muscle for 3 days....oh my! he is so lazy!! so cool!
"I am breaking up with him... can u believe, he likes to work!!"

"hey i am converting from Floydism to Zepplenity.
And did u hear the news, Mr. Idontgiveafuckaboutrockmusic has been charged of atheism. He is going to be hanged next saturday!"

"Mech( Mechanical Engineering Party) won this general elections by a landslide. Reliable sources say that it was all due to negative propaganda by Elec. But whichever party wins we have to agree this country has become so much better place to live since engineers took over!"

"There is a public holiday tomorrow. The second in the series of spoofs directed by Peter Jackson is releasing " The Lord of the Swings: The Two..ahem"

"There was no beer supply today morning....there'll be shortage in the summer months i guess...what happened to all those promises of 24 hr beer supply...and that 250 crore budget of draught beer harvesting??"

AND THE FUTURE

"Dad..give me a rupee coin i want to travel to 2156."

"Oh you are from Neptune..nice to meet you..how is it going??"

"So you have finally decided to take that immortality pill..i hope you have given enough thought"

"I want to erase him from my universe..he is so irritating!"

"When are you flying to India ?"

Sep 5, 2006

Haphazardly again

First of all some observations about me :
  • I hate things being forced upon me ( thats a different matter that 90% of things are forced upon me one way or the other). But I try to break the shackles as far as possible.That might translate to something as simple as an act of NOT applying sauce on a Pizza or a Burger as a topping. If I make my Pizza all sauced up in the beginning itself I feel the sauce is being forced upon me and I hate it. I rather take the sauce separately and dip my slice to the extent which my mood permits at that exact moment.Now this leads to the other observation that I am fickle minded and impulsive.
  • This one is scary.I didn't realise this till very recently.Whenever I read something(which itself is a rare occasion ) I tend NOT to underline.I used to have my own theories to justify why I didn't underline...like it increases my reading speed, or grasping speed or concentration. Later I realized that the real reason why I didn't underline was that I WAS TOO LAZY to always hold a pen in my hand and underline. Isn't reading itself a big enough task, I don't want to overburden myself.
Oh my god I can analyze human behaviour better than those phoney psychologists. Or maybe its just a hangover from I Heart/Love Huckabees ( Awesome movie)..You'll love this if you can tolerate a bit of philosophy and you like weird movies.Jason Schwartzman, Mark Wahlberg, Jude Law , Dustin Hoffman, Naomi Watts in bikini only add up to the spice ;)

I think all Holocaust movies like Schindler's List and Pianist are way way overrated.The point is that we mostly get impressed/influenced by the ratings/applause given by American or British sites/people.And why they like these movies so much? Because these movies show German cruelty so vividly that they almost glorify it.This helps the Americans to overcome their own guilt of killing millions of innocents in WW2. So what we dropped atom bombs, Germans and Japanese deserved to die for their inhuman acts.

Rockstar (Supernova/Inxs) on Star World rocks.Its just like American Idol but with 1000 times more attitude and 1000 times better songs.Which other show will you find a conversation like this :

Dave Navarro(former RHCP guitarist and Co-Host of the show ) to a contestant : So how do you feel, you have got the highest number of votes this time......

Contestant( A Canadian) : I knew it .The only American contestant here can't sing well and I am better looking than all the other Non- Americans!!...and so...
Dave Navarro starts saying something.

Contestant to Dave: Nobody gets to interrupt me fucker

Dave Navarro: You made a big mistake. When I told you that I don't have any influence on the votes(results) I lied you son of a bitch!

Can you find a better breakup line :

Tangerine, Tangerine,
Living reflections from a dream;
I was her love, she was my queen,
And now a thousand years between.

Led Zeppelin- Tangerine

Federer is winning this US Open

Earlier people used to have bets on whether somebody can make it to TV or even newspapers( People actuall planned heists or scams to win the bets.Even I planned it once) .Now with zillion hungry news channels people have started betting on who CAN escape TV .

Greatest mystery story ever written :

If I kill you how would you know?

Author: me :)


Mind-boggling Science Fiction 3

Me to my personal Artificially Intelligent buddy, Rocket:  Rocket, can you do this calculation for me. What's 7 + 4? Rocket: Dude, d...